


Everything you find (out)

by Cirkne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Multi, abuse mention, angst then fluff, kyoutani's name is ken is this, oikawa and kyoutani are both trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-05 00:40:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4159047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Ken loves them but loving them is not enough, you have to know the people you want to spend your life with."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything you find (out)

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of a sequel to [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3436811) but you don't have to read it (the title is kind of referencing that also)
> 
> Saeko and Ken (and later Ryuu) all work in a barber shop

The break up came sooner than Ken expected it to. They knew, in some way, that it would be over one day but they didn’t think they would be the one ending it. Still, they did what was right.

“Will you have a place to stay?” Hajime asks, handing Ken their bag. They nod; Saeko promised they can stay in the shop for as long as they need. They won’t say that, though, not right now anyway.

“Does he hate me?” Ken whispers looking at the closed door to their- no, not theirs anymore. Just a bedroom.

“No.” Hajime whispers back. “He loves you and doesn’t know how to deal but it’s ok. He knows, just as well as I do, that you need this.” He puts his hand on Ken’s cheek, gentle like always. A promise that Ken is still loved.

“Ok” they say. “Tell him I’m sorry,” a pause and then, “you too, sorry to you too.”

“Good luck.” Hajime tells them and waits for them to open the door. There’s no kiss goodbye, no one last ‘I love you’. Hajime locks the door and for a moment Ken doesn’t know what to do. Then, they move. This is really it, they think. It’s over.

They catch a bus to the shop. It’s strange, not having Hajime drive them.

(“What’s Hajime’s happiest memory?”)

They shake their head. The leaves are starting to fall, it’s getting cold. Saeko will be happy. Though she’s always happy now that she started dating that guy- one of the Tsukishima’s. Ken doesn’t remember his name.

(“Can you name Tooru’s siblings?”)

They stand up even though their stop isn’t even near yet. Shut up, they think but then their therapists voice returns.

(“Would Hajime know?”)

He would. He does. They’ve known each other since they were kids. Ken doesn’t fit into their world. They tried to, spent three years pretending they did.

(“Do they know your first memory?”

“No, but-”

“Do they know each other’s?”)

Ken loves them. Loves when they fight and when they laugh, loves them when they kiss and when they make breakfast, loves Tooru when he wakes them up for a jog and loves Hajime when he sneaks into the balcony to smoke. Ken loves them but loving them is not enough, you have to know the people you want to spend your life with.

Their stop comes and they get out of the bus, right into a puddle. Tooru will- would giggle if he knew. He won’t.

***

Saeko holds their hair while they vomit into the toilet. They want to say sorry and also that their hair isn’t long enough to hold yet but Hajime would do that as well and Ken wants to remember Hajime and Tooru as much as they can.

Saeko puts her hands on Ken’s back when they stand up to wash their mouth, probably just because she’s too short to reach their hair anymore. Ken thinks about how if they were still living with Hajime and Tooru, Tooru would rub circles into their back and kiss their shoulder. How Hajime would let them sit in his lap and cry.

“I’m sorry this is happening.” Saeko whispers.

“It’s ok.” Ken tells her because it is, really. They got used to it years ago and even if it’s harder now because the people they love most aren’t with them, it’s still ok.

“I never thought anxiety can make you throw up” she says, Ken catches her reflection in the mirror; she looks worried.

“It’s ok, really,” they say. “I’ll be ok.”

The bell rings and Saeko leaves them to check who it is. Ken stares at the mirror, their eyes teary and red.

(“Do you think you all love each other equally?”)

They look at the running water. Hajime would turn it off, tell them to not waste it. He’s not here to do it now.

***

“I like your hair.” Ryuunosuke says; it’s gotten longer since the last time they saw each other.

“Thanks” they say. “I might cut it again soon.” They’ve been thinking about it. Every time the customers take a second too long or whenever someone mentions it, Ken thinks of cutting it. Tooru would tell them to stop being so worried. Would say it’s just hair, would kiss their cheeks when they cried because looking feminine still scared them.

(“Do you think they treat you differently because they don’t know you well enough?”)

Ryuunosuke looks like he pities them, like he can see how much it’s hurting Ken.

“I’ll help you do it if you want” he says. “A lot of girls are having short hair now.”

Ken looks down. Hajime uses that word all the time. A girl. My girlfriend. A cute girl. A pretty girl. A girl. He would kiss Ken at night and whisper it into their ears, say it into their neck, their hipbones. He’d put his hand on Ken’s thigh and whisper about what a pretty girlfriend he has. Then he’d go have sex with Tooru because Ken couldn’t even give him that.

“You’re blushing” Ryuunosuke says.

Tooru thinks it’s cute when I blush, Ken thinks. Wonders if he still thinks that now.

***

Hajime comes by the shop. He puts a bag on the table Ken works at.

“Tooru’s mom sent you stuff” he says. “He… didn’t tell her yet.” Ken nods at Hajime. The bag is probably just old clothes Tooru’s mom found while cleaning out the closet.

“Thanks” they say, put their hand on the chair in front of them and look at it.

“How are you?” Hajime asks, voice soft and loving. I miss you, Ken thinks. Hajime’s close enough to hold them and yet.

“I’m ok” they answer. “How are you? How’s Tooru?”

“He’s very clingy and… well, you know how he gets when he doesn’t have what he wants.” Sexual. Tooru gets sexual and clingy and he kisses you everywhere.

“Yeah.” Ken manages. They feel their cheeks start to go hot and wonder if Hajime is blushing too. Doesn’t lift their head to check.

“Sorry” Hajime mutters. “That was inappropriate. Sometimes I forget this is really it.” He reaches for Ken’s hand. Slowly, making sure Ken knows he’s doing it. “If you decide to come back we’ll be waiting.”

(“Do you love one of them more than the other?”

“No”

“Do you think they love each other more than you?”)

“Hajime-”

He kisses them, presses their lips together just for a second and then puts his head on their shoulder.

“You didn’t kiss me goodbye” he says and then, while moving away he adds “sorry, that was selfish of me. Take care.”

With that, he’s out the door and when Ken turns away from it, Saeko’s standing behind him, pity in her eyes.

“Sometimes it’s ok to love someone just because you want to” she says. Ken doesn’t know what she means but they don’t ask.

***

Tooru’s the one to open the door. He’s wearing Hajime’s shirt, the one he stole long ago to sleep in even though it’s only a little after seven.

“Come in” Tooru says moving away from the door. “I’ll make you tea.” He slurs. It makes Ken think of how it used to be. It makes them think of Tooru curling up to them, clingy and needy, his skin warm against Ken’s.

“You don’t have to” Ken tells him but Tooru doesn’t answer and they follow him into the kitchen. “How are you?” they ask sitting down. Tooru shakes his head and reaches for the cups at the top of the shelves. When he raises his arm, Ken can see his stomach, stretch marks that they never payed attention to before.

“Have you found a new apartment?” Tooru asks, making Ken snap out of it and turn their gaze to their hands, embarrassed.

“Not yet” They say and Tooru turns the kettle on.

“Maybe you shouldn’t even look” Tooru says, quietly as he’s sitting down. His leg touches Ken’s and he doesn’t move away, doesn’t even react. He puts his arms on the table and his head on them.

“Tooru” Ken whispers, the only thing he can manage.

“I’m kidding” is the answer but it doesn’t seem true, Tooru’s smile isn’t happy, but sad and his eyes tired. “Does your therapist know you left us?”

(“Who do you think misses you more?”)

“She does” Ken answers, holds back from running their hand through Tooru’s hair. “She’s happy that you two aren’t angry at me for it.” They say she is when it’s actually them. They feel like they should say thank you and apologize at the same time.

Tooru doesn’t answer; Ken doesn’t talk either. They just watch as Tooru breathes, his eyes closed and his head on the table. By the time the water boils, Tooru has fallen asleep. Ken carries him to the bed. Pretends that it’s not because they want to feel like they belong in the apartment again. When they lay Tooru down, he catches their shirt in his fist.

“Kiss me” he says, so quietly Ken could pretend they didn’t hear it but they don’t want to pretend. Still, for a moment they’re hesitant. “Hajime got his goodbye kiss” Tooru says. Goodbye, Ken thinks and leans down to press their lips to Tooru’s.

They only came by to return the bag that Tooru’s mom sent the clothes in but now they sit in the kitchen, with tea from a mug that they used to drink their morning coffee from, wondering if it belongs to someone now. When Ken left, Hajime and Tooru promised that when they find a new place, they can return to get their stuff. Ken wonders how long something can stay in between before it doesn’t have a place anymore.

***

Akiteru, Saeko’s boyfriend, tells them how funny it is that he and Saeko never talked during high school and yet he never forgot her, as if some part of him knew they’d find their way to each other.

That day, Ken calls their therapist to ask if she can find time for them and they thank her for the ten minutes she can manage.

“I haven’t left them.” They say and watch their therapist nod in agreement.

“Do you want to go back to them?” she asks and when Ken nods, she continues. “You had to leave them because when you started dating, you were in a bad place, Ken. You needed to see how being alone felt now, when you’re out of an abusive household and have other people who care about you. If Tooru and Hajime still feel like the right choice, tell them.”

Ken runs all the way to the apartment they still consider their home and stop just when they reach the door. They ring the doorbell before anxiety can make them turn away. There’s voices and steps and whispers before Hajime and Tooru are standing in front of Ken, both half naked and Tooru’s cheeks are flushed. Ken starts giggling, bubbly laughter leaving their chest, because they were having sex and walking in on them feels so familiar, so not perfect.

“Ken?” Tooru asks, confused but a smile on his face.

“I’m back” they answer. “If you’ll have me, I want to call you two my home again.” Tooru kisses them and right after, so does Hajime. Not goodbye, not hello, not even welcome back, just kisses them. It feels right, even if Ken can’t name all of Tooru’s siblings or remember what age Hajime was when he broke his arm. All they need to know, all they ever needed to know is that this is what makes them happy.


End file.
